It’s felt like I have had to do some soul searching this past week. A multitude of factors have weighed heavy on me and eventually led to my capitulation.
Physically I ran myself so far into the ground I had start again. I have pinpointed the cause of the problem and that has been my shitty attitude towards everything of late.
I admit it. I am in limbo.
This is not to say I am not extremely grateful for my life and my health. It is just annoyance I have with myself for being in this transition period.
My impatience and my burning desire to move on to the next part of my life eats away at me here and there. It makes me question what I am really doing and why. To be honest, it just makes me want to run away.
I don’t. I can’t. I have responsibilities to fulfil. I have my journey to complete. I have my studies to complete and I only have to endure 16 more months in this job before I can be free to either start university or to immerse myself in different cultures in far away lands.
But sticking with this leaves me with a mental block on several levels. Level One would be considered work.
I have to stay at that place. The pay is good and many of my colleagues are good people but aspects of the job chip away at me. As more weeks go by, I feel as if my moral compass is being tested further. I would consider myself a good person – at heart – but I am often afraid of becoming like some of my colleagues.
Some of them are just there because they know nothing else. They haven’t figured out they can leave and start over. The best conversation they can muster up is gossip about somebody they cannot even think to walk in their shoes for five minutes. Or worse still, the only words they share are negative ones. Ones that weigh you down. Somedays last week I felt as if I had a boulder attached to my ankle and I was sinking towards the bottom of the ocean bed. My positive thoughts dwindling like my air supply, slipping away faster with every stroke I made in an attempt to make it to the surface.
So that is level one. I will formulate a plan of action to resolve that one as I will not have my working life compromised by miserable clowns.
Level Two is love limbo.
I went through a similar situation before I went travelling last year. I have an added fear to commit to somebody or the idea of it going further than a fling because I know I am going away.
I was in a club last bank holiday weekend and this stunning girl came up to me and pointed to a guy that I was her boyfriend. This was obviously to get rid of him. But as he disappeared she stuck around to talk.
As my friends put it, she was my type. They were right, she was gorgeous. She had this tanned skin and a pair of glossy brown eyes, accompanied with a dazzling smile that stunned me for a moment. But I couldn’t act upon it.
After some pleasant small talk I couldn’t close. My friends looked bemused as to why I didn’t give her my number or vice versa. At the time, I didn’t really think much of it. At the end of the night it dawned on me though. I cannot start anything with the fear of it ending because of my dreams to move away.
What is the point of starting something if it just going to fizzle out because of the lingering inevitability of it coming to an end. No matter how amicable the end can be, what is the point in wasted time?
Anyway, they were the main two problems that dragged me to my downfall. It happens though. Now I have to self reflect. I have to pick up the pieces worth picking up and begin to rebuild and grow again.
On a positive note, I have my MRI date brought forward and I have read two and a half books in three days. By the way, how good is “Man’s Search For Meaning”?
I hope whomever made it this far into the boring instalment of my life has a brilliant weekend.
Until next time,